Self-(dis)Service

In all of my people-watchings, I have observed at least five kinds of people who use self-checkout machines at grocery stores:

1. The Absolute Worst - this is the person, usually a woman, who buys more groceries in one trip than I do in a month or two. She may or may not have hyper children slowing down time itself and ruining life in general. Her cart will generally have obscene amounts of produce which require about a minute each to look up and weigh. She has a haughty, I-can-handle-this-better-than-any-cashier look and obviously knows that there are multitudes in line behind her but refuses to look at them. Her children will occasionally bring her gum or a toy, and she will go put it back, tell them off or just set it on top of the register. If you see her in front of you, go wait in another line, or grab your phone or a magazine to keep you busy.

2. The Technologically-Challenged - This one you can't help but feel sorry for. It will generally be a man over 50. If he's over 70, you might as well go to another store. He will have two or three items and read every word on the screen before making any movements. He will always select his language before starting to scan. Then ensues the hunt for the bar-code. Studying his items thoroughly, he will eventually locate it and slowly and shakily hold it over the scanner. If it does not scan, the light above the register starts blinking red and time stops. If he accidentally gets it right, there is a long pause before setting down in the bagging area. He also may or may not remove said item from the bagging area before he has paid. Then comes the dreaded time of payment. You know what I mean, so I will not go into much detail, but I pity the man who does not have a savings card, because that machine pretty much beats you down without it.

3. The Comical Desperado - This can be either man or woman. The man usually walks right up, scans a 24-pack of beer and sets off the light to get a clerk to ID him. Half the time he seems to have a cart with a kid in the front and the beer in the back. A woman usually has 2-3 bottles of wine, and one of them always seems to be jumbo-sized. This method often works quickly if there is an attendant. I just find it funny.

4. The Cash Customer - Usually a 40-year-old male who buys two things that cost $13.41 and pays for it with 14 one-dollar bills and a penny. Even if all the bills go in the first time, it takes a long time, and the coin slot NEVER works.

5. People Like (you and) Me - Young, intelligent multitaskers who take no time and get on no one's nerves. These lines were designed for us. We study the failures in front of us and make sure we don't repeat their mistakes so that we don't incur the hatred that we felt towards the life-ruiners who preceded us. I scrape the frost off of the bar-code on my Blue Bell before I even get there. I have studied my products and know where each bar code is. I scan my savings card first and run the screen and the credit card machine at the same time. Lettuce, ice cream, light bulbs and raw meat all go in the same bag. In and out. Gone in the blink of an eye. Perfection.

Okay, so occasionally I fail, but more often than not, the dang machine just won't scan my stuff. And blast that weight sensor! I was just making room for another bag. Oh yeah, and who knew Sharpies were now considered alcohol and required ID?